I need 2 more alarm clocks. For serious.

Right now, my clothes stink of the chemicals in the darkroom (and I kind of love it). Today I set up the darkroom by myself! I am SURE it doesn’t sound too big of a deal to some people, but to me, it is. Whenever I am insecure about something, whenever I know I am not well-prepared for something, or just haven’t done it before, I doubt my judgement. So I think I looked 4 times at that little piece of paper just to make sure I don’t waste chemicals, by mixing it the wrong way, not to mention, waste my precious paper when trying to make prints! But I got it right, and I also made 4 new beautiful prints! 

I love the darkroom. So much that I want one in my future house. I especially love the darkroom where you load your roll of film on a reel and then put in in a tank to develop it. It’s pitch black, you’re alone, and you practically depend on your touch sensors(is that how you call them?). I love it. Listening to music while you’re loading the film on the reel=5 minutes of bliss to me. (erm, it shouldn’t take 5 minutes to load a roll of film, but I deliberately make it this long).

hm, recently, I’ve been doubting my English skills. There are so many times when I am literally trying to find the words to speak to my friends. I have it in my head, I know what I’m supposed to say, yet words fail to come out. I hate making grammar errors, and always, always, always think not twice, but thrice before I say something in English for fear of being laughed at by English native speakers. Because I know they do. Because they think that all international students SHOULD know English at a native level. Bah, I’m sure not all of them are like that, but I’ve had some not so pleasant experiences with people like that, and I cannot put my feelings into words. Ok, let me try. It felt awful. I wanted the earth to swallow me right away….I also feel that I am boring when I talk. It’s because of me trying to find the words in my head, that I end up repeating the same thing again, or using stupid words like “like”, “you know” etc just to buy some time to figure out what I’m supposed to say next. It’s frustrating because I’ve been learning English since kindergarden and I don’t think it’s normal for someone like me to act like this now. I can totally understand it when it happens in Japanese, since it’s a new language for me (well, not so new now…but in comparison to English, yeah, pretty much new). In class I am afraid of taking notes in Romanian, because this way my brain will switch to Romanian mode and I will practically lose the next few sentences…However, I realized I should start translating Japanese grammar to Romanian, since in English it has become sooooo confusing….Why am I having so many problems with English? It’s not normal…

Anyway, yesterday I went to a seminar at Amherst and while I was looking at the photographs presented, the idea for my final project for photography came to me and birds started to chirp, the heavens opened and  the gods gave me their blessing….It will be all about people and what they think it’s strange at other people. Soooo excited about it! I already have some shots in my head, well, the concept, and now I need to ask people in my class to model for me. I hope they say yes. I really do.

Holy shin! I think I need 2 more alarm clocks! It looks like 2 aren’t enough to wake me up. Last night I stayed up till 2 am to help my friend with her Japanese composition, and do mine, and do my Chemistry homework. And then, I didn’t wake up in time for my classes. And I worked soooooo hard for them. However, I managed to drop off my work at their offices. le sigh. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up, and I am seriously considering buying 2 more alarm clocks. If not 3.