This is a sad sad post

I just read something VERY disturbing. The French theater troupe I was part of in high school didn’t participate in this year’s International Festival. That made me SO sad. Look at my sad face. So sad….

It made me want to be there on stage again, speak perfect French again, talk in Frenglish with people from different countries, fool around the city, freeze in the cold shower (damn tough times), spill beer on my costume after the show, smoke in the bathroom (okay, so I didn’t do that, but I WISH I DID), eat crappy mcdonalds food with friends, run to be on time for a show, and most importantly…..GO TO THE WINE FESTIVAL THAT WAS TAKING PLACE BEHIND THE THEATER and return drunk and sit in the balcony and make fun of the people playing with their phones during the boring plays! oh the memories….

My last festival was somewhat a failure to me….During the closing ceremony, I really felt I was going to cry. Partly because I wouldn’t be there the following year, but mostly, because….dunno, it felt so wrong….the atmosphere, the people, the jokes, everything felt SO FUCKING WRONG. A lot of people praised my performance, so it had nothing to do with my acting. But still….

I wanna go back and do a show on my own there. A monologue. Or something like that. OR EVEN BETTER! Go with a group of high school students. That would be sweet. 

I have decided I won’t do any plays next semester. But now I’m kind of reconsidering my decision. It’s weird. Cabaret finished what? two weeks ago, and I already wanna be back on stage! or do something related to theater….I guess, I can’t really stay away from theater for too long. Is my major choice alright? Can I double minor??? 

That’s me being indecisive with a scarf wrapped around me all ninja-like. For the record, that’s not my room, but the IR lounge in Skinner Hall. I got locked out of that room once. Not so smart, eh?

Why am I doubting my choice of major and minor? Why now? I was feeling so comfortable with Asian Studies and Chemistry because I felt I would be able to get a job with those two, AND THEN pursue my real dreams. Something to do with theater, music and film. What should I do? I can hear all of them calling me, screaming for me, and I feel so guilty for not turning to them and opening my arms and just go with the flow. I feel I need so much guidance, so much more to learn in order to get better, but with my classes, there is no time. I feel the need to be on stage, in the spotlight, to sing, to dance, to SPEAK UP, to be a stranger and a friend at the same time, to help people with what I do. 

I am down. Computer Science doesn’t really help me either. I have 3 labs to do, a test program and to worry about my final. and I literally know nothing. I will epically fail this class. I just want to do something that I enjoy. Am I asking too much? 

Maybe I should just marry an American citizen. This way I will be able to stay here after I graduate. And, at the same time, do what I love. But it’s so hard to find someone that fits that category. Yeah, sure, I bet you’re saying I can get any guy, it doesn’t matter that much, ne? But it doesn’t work that  way with me. If I EVER marry, it will be for love. The citizenship would be like a bonus. I don’t believe in arranged marriages or however you call them. I need to feel secure with that person. I say, am I shocking you in any way?

I guess I should just chill a little….All I need to do now is um, find a time machine. Yes. That would be good. 

And so, my question remains. Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?

EDIT

I just watched La jetee, and it moved me in such a way that I cannot put in words. The scene where she blinks sent shivers up my spine…

If you made a mistake

If you make a mistake, just leave it alone and continue with the song. Go on to the next note, focus on what’s coming, not on what was already sung. 

This is a very important lesson I learnt today during my guitar lesson. And you know what? It’s so hard to keep on moving, and not care about your mistakes. Even when you read music and you don’t know the note and you want to stop and think about it because, you want it to be a perfect reading, but you can’t really do that because, the metronom is ticking and you need to move on to the next note. And then you fail and you need to start all over again.

This sounds so much like life. When you know you made a mistake and you want to right it, but you shouldn’t because the clock is ticking and you need to think of the next step you are going to take. You should stop living in the past.

I should stop living in the past.

From now on, I will try to continue with the song, skip the notes I can’t read on the spot, and maybe go back to them when I have time, or do the reading again. By then I will have known it by heart from other reading exercises. This is why great musicians are so chill. They appreciate the big picture better than the rest of us do. We tire ourselves with small things that shouldn’t be so important. It doesn’t matter if you made 50 errors in a concert if in the end it turns out to be a great concert. When you play with other people, you can’t stop to correct your error, and why should you? To draw attention to it? Just let it slide and enjoy the good music. Enjoy the life.

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It’s so ridiculous I can’t believe it. I can’t get this person out of my head. It’s driving me crazy.

All would be wonderful if he showed even one small sign that he knows I exist. The world is so cruel.