bitches, doves and sexuality

Today in computer science I was so bored that I started texting my roommate Bianca to keep myself awake. She had this brilliant idea of me writing down a poem about my class to help the time go faster. And I did. And it did. And I am sharing them with you! (yes! more than one poem!)

Bitch

As I sit here on this chair

I start to feel the despair

I don’t understand why there’s

a bug in our hair and

Creepy girls don’t make my day.

People say it’s not okay to hold your breath and look away 

when you want to be annoying

in class.

 

The u-shaped desks open for the display

Someone smart posed a question

And suddenly it’s not okay.

Magnesium is what I need

or a cigarette to breathe.

People whisper next to me

We have a problem so I see

Why did you have to move to my side of the classroom?

I am not your friend and I do not like you

Your voice kills my braincells

and makes me want seppuku

You’re not cool or smart

You’re annoying and talk like fuck

Bitch.

 

 

Doves and Digits

The doves in the sky are all dead. 

The softness of your lips doesn’t matter

anymore, as I press 0 and expect you to say 10

‘Cause I am 0 and you are the 1.

 

Maybe this wasn’t the best of ideas

to try this again with 2 digits and a clear

vision of what we tapped on last night

Maybe an if statement will save you

somewhere on your skin

Next to the soft soft part of your display

But the operator is a positive case

that circles the bug.

I don’t know if it matters,

How’s that look if operator is 0

When I am 0 and you the 1.

 

1 plus 2 equals 3. Great

Let’s start with a fresh calculator

Say 10 plus 1 equals 11.

Can you see what I’m saying?

 

I read them to her at lunch and she loved both of them. She would. 

Last night at rehearsal, a girl said that it’s weird how 2 of the few straight girls in this play are VERY sleezy together on stage. Mainly because of me, haha I try. And it IS strange. I remember last year I honestly thought I was bi because of this girl in my Japanese class who honestly looked like a guy. After that I fell for my friend who was also Asian and boyish like. After that I realized that I am straight after all…I think of guys more than I think of girls because, a guy sounds better than a girl. I don’t think I would EVER be able to be with a girl. It would be so weird. 

Now I have to get ready for the rest of my classes AND rehearsal right after that. Make sure you analyze my poems properly and send the responses to me. I will grade you later.

We are cold, we’re so cold, we are

It’s 3 am right now and I’m still up. I finished my Chemistry homework and I should have gone to bed, but I am so afraid I won’t wake up in time for class tomorrow, that I’ve decided I will pull an all-nighter. I am also very cold, which doesn’t help at all at staying awake. Right now I am using my hair-dryer to warm myself up. It’s not even the heater the problem here. There’s actually a decent amount of heat in the room. It’s just that the heat isn’t registering in my cold cold skin. Because I went to a fancy dinner tonight, I was wearing only a blouse and a blazer; blouse + blazer + cold^2=s.a.d.f.a.c.e. However, I liked the way I looked, haha. And then I had to go to rehearsal right after the dinner, and for those of you who don’t know shit about Chapin Auditorium, let me tell you it’s fucking cold in there. There are no flies or insects in there. Why? Because it’s a fucking ice age. AND THEN, I had to walk all the way to Pearsons to do my Japanese homework with a friend of mine. We couldn’t actually figure out what the exercises wanted from our lives, and we tried really hard to decipher the text, but there were SO MANY FUCKING KANJI that we haven’t learned yet, that we decided we will show our work tomorrow and put on a sad sad face so the sensei won’t smack us with her stick. Just kidding, she does that when she loves people. So she WILL smack us. wao. Nvm that reasoning. So moving on. After that, I had to walk all the way up to my beautiful dorm. In the cold. AND wearing high heels. I find I have no problem walking in high heels. It’s just that it’s too cold outside and I wasn’t dressed appropriately.

bah, I think I have whined enough about the weather, and since I am not British, I will stop. Let me talk a little about Cabaret.

Cabaret proved to be a most interesting show. I am talking as if the show were over, but I know that on Saturday when it actually finishes, I will be too drunk to write anything coherent…So I found that I can be very creepy, even though I feel really plain and blah boring. I found that the bonds we had in Macbeth were TRULY special. I don’t think I will ever have another experience like Macbeth. Cabaret is close enough to it, but not quite. Dunno why…But anyway, Cabaret…I love all the songs, but my favourite favourite one is I don’t care much, and because I know you are too lazy to go look it up online, I will post the link to it, cause I am THAT kind

That’s my favourite one. How come this is the one I like the most, and not Cabaret, or Don’t tell mama? Well, first of all, because of the melody, the tune. It’s so sad, and so            disturbing. And then you listen to the lyrics and sometimes, I really feel like that. I have a clear hierarchy in my world.

Stranger<Acquaintance=<Friend of a Friend<Could be a Friend<Friend<Very good Friend< BFFN<BFF<SM

I assure you SM does not stand for Sado-masochism, and even if you didn’t think of it, I made you think of it so HA. It stands for soul mate and so far there is only one soul mate in my life. I have some BFFNs and some Very good Friends, but MOST of the people I know are freaking acquaintances of mine. This means that I don’t really care much about them. I only care when I need them to do something for me. That’s all sweet and normal, until they start thinking that you are friends. No, we are NOT friends, thanks, but no thanks. To me, a friend is a very special person in whom you can confide your deepest secrets without worrying s/he will tell the WHOLE world right after that. We are not close enough for that? Then you are JUST an acquaintance of mine. Don’t expect too much from me, I will not deliver it. Don’t expect me to break awkward silences just because you feel like talking, but don’t dare to do it yourself. And even if you DO break the ice and start a conversation, don’t think I will continue it for a long time. I’m not interested. If I were, I would be doing all the talking by now.

People still don’t get that. In Europe, I feel, people are more cold, distant, and get it because they’ve been through a lot and they know that people are people and they WILL stab you in the back on the first occasion. In America, there are still traces of that “hope” of a new world, where you can be whatever you want to be, make your dreams come true and blah blah. Oh the American Dream. Europe doesn’t dream anymore (and frankly I don’t think it ever dreamt). Actually Europe is trying to stay awake. Like I am. We are done with dreams. They never come true the way you want them. They fuck everything up. They make you hallucinate in public and stuff like that. They play with your miiiiiiiiiiind.

Yes. They do. Just like computers. But I will blog later about my relationship with computers. I wish I had some coffee. Or a cigarette. The latter sounds grrrrrrrrreat actually. But I need to wait until Cabaret is over to smoke again. I have decided I will smoke reds again since it IS cold. Menthols are good in the summer.  But yeh, sleep won the battle. I hope my roomie will wake me up in time for class tomorrow.

I need 2 more alarm clocks. For serious.

Right now, my clothes stink of the chemicals in the darkroom (and I kind of love it). Today I set up the darkroom by myself! I am SURE it doesn’t sound too big of a deal to some people, but to me, it is. Whenever I am insecure about something, whenever I know I am not well-prepared for something, or just haven’t done it before, I doubt my judgement. So I think I looked 4 times at that little piece of paper just to make sure I don’t waste chemicals, by mixing it the wrong way, not to mention, waste my precious paper when trying to make prints! But I got it right, and I also made 4 new beautiful prints! 

I love the darkroom. So much that I want one in my future house. I especially love the darkroom where you load your roll of film on a reel and then put in in a tank to develop it. It’s pitch black, you’re alone, and you practically depend on your touch sensors(is that how you call them?). I love it. Listening to music while you’re loading the film on the reel=5 minutes of bliss to me. (erm, it shouldn’t take 5 minutes to load a roll of film, but I deliberately make it this long).

hm, recently, I’ve been doubting my English skills. There are so many times when I am literally trying to find the words to speak to my friends. I have it in my head, I know what I’m supposed to say, yet words fail to come out. I hate making grammar errors, and always, always, always think not twice, but thrice before I say something in English for fear of being laughed at by English native speakers. Because I know they do. Because they think that all international students SHOULD know English at a native level. Bah, I’m sure not all of them are like that, but I’ve had some not so pleasant experiences with people like that, and I cannot put my feelings into words. Ok, let me try. It felt awful. I wanted the earth to swallow me right away….I also feel that I am boring when I talk. It’s because of me trying to find the words in my head, that I end up repeating the same thing again, or using stupid words like “like”, “you know” etc just to buy some time to figure out what I’m supposed to say next. It’s frustrating because I’ve been learning English since kindergarden and I don’t think it’s normal for someone like me to act like this now. I can totally understand it when it happens in Japanese, since it’s a new language for me (well, not so new now…but in comparison to English, yeah, pretty much new). In class I am afraid of taking notes in Romanian, because this way my brain will switch to Romanian mode and I will practically lose the next few sentences…However, I realized I should start translating Japanese grammar to Romanian, since in English it has become sooooo confusing….Why am I having so many problems with English? It’s not normal…

Anyway, yesterday I went to a seminar at Amherst and while I was looking at the photographs presented, the idea for my final project for photography came to me and birds started to chirp, the heavens opened and  the gods gave me their blessing….It will be all about people and what they think it’s strange at other people. Soooo excited about it! I already have some shots in my head, well, the concept, and now I need to ask people in my class to model for me. I hope they say yes. I really do.

Holy shin! I think I need 2 more alarm clocks! It looks like 2 aren’t enough to wake me up. Last night I stayed up till 2 am to help my friend with her Japanese composition, and do mine, and do my Chemistry homework. And then, I didn’t wake up in time for my classes. And I worked soooooo hard for them. However, I managed to drop off my work at their offices. le sigh. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up, and I am seriously considering buying 2 more alarm clocks. If not 3.

If you made a mistake

If you make a mistake, just leave it alone and continue with the song. Go on to the next note, focus on what’s coming, not on what was already sung. 

This is a very important lesson I learnt today during my guitar lesson. And you know what? It’s so hard to keep on moving, and not care about your mistakes. Even when you read music and you don’t know the note and you want to stop and think about it because, you want it to be a perfect reading, but you can’t really do that because, the metronom is ticking and you need to move on to the next note. And then you fail and you need to start all over again.

This sounds so much like life. When you know you made a mistake and you want to right it, but you shouldn’t because the clock is ticking and you need to think of the next step you are going to take. You should stop living in the past.

I should stop living in the past.

From now on, I will try to continue with the song, skip the notes I can’t read on the spot, and maybe go back to them when I have time, or do the reading again. By then I will have known it by heart from other reading exercises. This is why great musicians are so chill. They appreciate the big picture better than the rest of us do. We tire ourselves with small things that shouldn’t be so important. It doesn’t matter if you made 50 errors in a concert if in the end it turns out to be a great concert. When you play with other people, you can’t stop to correct your error, and why should you? To draw attention to it? Just let it slide and enjoy the good music. Enjoy the life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s so ridiculous I can’t believe it. I can’t get this person out of my head. It’s driving me crazy.

All would be wonderful if he showed even one small sign that he knows I exist. The world is so cruel.

My mother would be proud of me

Yes, she would. If she knew I was smoking 6 weeks ago. 

For 5 weeks I haven’t smoked. At all. Zenzen. Not one cigarette. 

Until this past week. When I smoked a pack of vanilla cloves. And half of a pack of crappy Parliaments. 

Why would I do that considering I need my voice for the show in 2 weeks AND that I am taking running now? All I can say in my defense is that it was a terrible week. That’s all.

But I’m pretty sure she would be proud of me. 5 weeks with no cigarettes is something big to me, who used to smoke 2-3 packs a week. Opportunity knocked on my door with a pack of vanilla cloves freshly sent from sunny old California, and later on, with a pack of too short Parliament cigarettes. I could not say no to the Parliament cigarettes, because that’s just me. I can’t refuse someone. I miss my menthols. I can’t wait for the show to be over. 

On a happier note, I went to a party last night. It wasn’t a big party, but a cozy one. 

I’m back on track. And I better stay focused.

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I’ve decided I won’t whine about my life anymore. Right now I am pretty comfortable with my life and classes. Of course I could do better on the social life (like getting a boyfriend wtf), but I just use my workload as an excuse. 

I found that if you have a positive attitude towards your day to day life, good things WILL come to you. All you need to do is stay focused and change some words that you used to say a lot, like “I have to do this”, “I HATE this”, “Why do I must do this?”, you get my point. Instead, I will use “I can do this” and “This will help me later on in life”. It’s been 2 months since I’ve made up my mind, and it’s time I apply this to my blog. I could rant or I could talk about stuff that I need to take off my mind. I won’t rant anymore, and if I do, it won’t be excessive. Life is too short to spend it ranting and doing nothing about it. 

On a sad note, my parents still hurt me by emotionally terrorizing my sister and I don’t know what to do about it. I am clueless. I wish I were in her place, so she wouldn’t suffer anymore. She deserves all the best in the world, not the shit they’re putting her through.