People are strange

People are strange when you’re a stranger
Faces look ugly when you’re alone
Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven when you’re down
When you’re strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you’re strange
No one remembers your name
When you’re strange

this is what your mother warned you about

o mai gad you guys, did you know they have Weight Watchers online for MEN? Cause

REAL MEN DON’T DIET!

They eat real food and can achieve real weight loss with a customized online system built just for men.

I came across this ad while I was online people watching. At 3 am. Eating Wonka Nerds because I am hungry and lack appropriate foodage. By the way, foodage should totally be a word. It makes you think of bondage. I am really not into that, “not that’s anything wrong with it” (I’ll give you a virtual candy if you tell me from where I took that), but bondage makes me think of other interesting things. Like, nah I’m not gonna tell you. I’m too shy for that. 

But yes people, the world is changing, and I can feeeeel the change on my own dry skin. I also feel that it is an important change that one must take into account. You wouldn’t want to wake up tomorrow and say, When the fuck did all this happen? Be warned. So yeah, the change is basically, it’s getting too fucking cold in here. So cold that my two fingers that hold the damn cigarette are bound to fall off before this winter is over. Do you understand what I’m saying? Say what? 

What what in the butt?

ooookay

My roommate told me I act as if I were high. O WOE IS ME, I wish I were high. 

Furthermore (just felt the need to use some linking words every now and then) I have my Japanese oral exam tomorrow. I have to talk about my reasons for studying Japanese, an article about a women only net cafe in Osaka, and Xmas customs in Romania. All this in 15 minutes. Pretty impressive, don’t you think? I think it is pretty impressive. So impressive indeed. (whenever I try to write impressive I accidentally type in 3 s’s instead of 2. Impressive – oh, there it goes again) Will I be able to do it? Will I be able to conquer that virgin island with my ubber awesome power? Will I freeze to death outside my dorm only to be found by Pub Safety the next morning and having an article in the college daily newspaper and people laughing at my sorry self? Will I ever finish writing this post?

Snow SNow SNOw SNOW

It’s snowiiiiiing!!!!

Yes, yours truly is still up at 3 am! And right before I went to bed I saw on my desktop that it was snowing in South Hadley! And I just HAD to go outside and feel it for myself. And I took some pictures because snow is worth bearing the cold to hold the camera!

And that’s about it since I need sleep!

This is a sad sad post

I just read something VERY disturbing. The French theater troupe I was part of in high school didn’t participate in this year’s International Festival. That made me SO sad. Look at my sad face. So sad….

It made me want to be there on stage again, speak perfect French again, talk in Frenglish with people from different countries, fool around the city, freeze in the cold shower (damn tough times), spill beer on my costume after the show, smoke in the bathroom (okay, so I didn’t do that, but I WISH I DID), eat crappy mcdonalds food with friends, run to be on time for a show, and most importantly…..GO TO THE WINE FESTIVAL THAT WAS TAKING PLACE BEHIND THE THEATER and return drunk and sit in the balcony and make fun of the people playing with their phones during the boring plays! oh the memories….

My last festival was somewhat a failure to me….During the closing ceremony, I really felt I was going to cry. Partly because I wouldn’t be there the following year, but mostly, because….dunno, it felt so wrong….the atmosphere, the people, the jokes, everything felt SO FUCKING WRONG. A lot of people praised my performance, so it had nothing to do with my acting. But still….

I wanna go back and do a show on my own there. A monologue. Or something like that. OR EVEN BETTER! Go with a group of high school students. That would be sweet. 

I have decided I won’t do any plays next semester. But now I’m kind of reconsidering my decision. It’s weird. Cabaret finished what? two weeks ago, and I already wanna be back on stage! or do something related to theater….I guess, I can’t really stay away from theater for too long. Is my major choice alright? Can I double minor??? 

That’s me being indecisive with a scarf wrapped around me all ninja-like. For the record, that’s not my room, but the IR lounge in Skinner Hall. I got locked out of that room once. Not so smart, eh?

Why am I doubting my choice of major and minor? Why now? I was feeling so comfortable with Asian Studies and Chemistry because I felt I would be able to get a job with those two, AND THEN pursue my real dreams. Something to do with theater, music and film. What should I do? I can hear all of them calling me, screaming for me, and I feel so guilty for not turning to them and opening my arms and just go with the flow. I feel I need so much guidance, so much more to learn in order to get better, but with my classes, there is no time. I feel the need to be on stage, in the spotlight, to sing, to dance, to SPEAK UP, to be a stranger and a friend at the same time, to help people with what I do. 

I am down. Computer Science doesn’t really help me either. I have 3 labs to do, a test program and to worry about my final. and I literally know nothing. I will epically fail this class. I just want to do something that I enjoy. Am I asking too much? 

Maybe I should just marry an American citizen. This way I will be able to stay here after I graduate. And, at the same time, do what I love. But it’s so hard to find someone that fits that category. Yeah, sure, I bet you’re saying I can get any guy, it doesn’t matter that much, ne? But it doesn’t work that  way with me. If I EVER marry, it will be for love. The citizenship would be like a bonus. I don’t believe in arranged marriages or however you call them. I need to feel secure with that person. I say, am I shocking you in any way?

I guess I should just chill a little….All I need to do now is um, find a time machine. Yes. That would be good. 

And so, my question remains. Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?

EDIT

I just watched La jetee, and it moved me in such a way that I cannot put in words. The scene where she blinks sent shivers up my spine…

Quartz and the meaning of life

Thanksgiving was fantabulous.

I went to Megan’s house down in CT and had a wonderful time with her family. I am a little sad her father wasn’t around, for I wanted to ask him about chemistry and internships and companies in the area for my summer internship, but it was fun nonetheless. I ate delicious food, GREAT pies and sweets and whatnot (the highlights were pecan pie – courtesy of Meg –  and sweet potato pie – made by Jesus himself -), went to see alpacas (oooh the smell will be remembered forever), had a great black Friday with Megan and her friends, talked about China-Taiwan relationship and Romania’s politics with Muraki san at Thanksgiving lunch, AND made my own sweets for the lovely family she has. I know cooking is not that hard, but spreading that stupid crust dough with a rolling pin was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was my workout for the break. For serious. 

I also had a crash course in guitar taught by Jesus. He was really helpful, and his tips will live within me forever. Moreover, we talked about quartz crystals and he gave me a really beautiful crystal dug up in Arkansas, near his hometown. He explained to me all the different properties and how it can heal a lot of emotional problems. Then he proceeded to show me his own collection of crystals, and there was this one particular crystal that just fascinated me, and still does. It was in the shape of a half moon, but the crystals grew in a weird way and there was actually a bridge between the two sides of the half moon. So symbolic, and deep too. And then there’s another one. The bottom fell off, but the crystals said “oh no bitch, we’re gonna pwn you and grow there too”, so it’s now a rebirth type of crystal. I loved it. I’m happy I got to meet so many great people over the break. 

My crystal is meant to focus on people coming together as a family. So adequate.

Now, all I need to do is focus and get back on track, and write my study abroad proposal, because my application is due this Friday (!!) Shocking indeed.

bitches, doves and sexuality

Today in computer science I was so bored that I started texting my roommate Bianca to keep myself awake. She had this brilliant idea of me writing down a poem about my class to help the time go faster. And I did. And it did. And I am sharing them with you! (yes! more than one poem!)

Bitch

As I sit here on this chair

I start to feel the despair

I don’t understand why there’s

a bug in our hair and

Creepy girls don’t make my day.

People say it’s not okay to hold your breath and look away 

when you want to be annoying

in class.

 

The u-shaped desks open for the display

Someone smart posed a question

And suddenly it’s not okay.

Magnesium is what I need

or a cigarette to breathe.

People whisper next to me

We have a problem so I see

Why did you have to move to my side of the classroom?

I am not your friend and I do not like you

Your voice kills my braincells

and makes me want seppuku

You’re not cool or smart

You’re annoying and talk like fuck

Bitch.

 

 

Doves and Digits

The doves in the sky are all dead. 

The softness of your lips doesn’t matter

anymore, as I press 0 and expect you to say 10

‘Cause I am 0 and you are the 1.

 

Maybe this wasn’t the best of ideas

to try this again with 2 digits and a clear

vision of what we tapped on last night

Maybe an if statement will save you

somewhere on your skin

Next to the soft soft part of your display

But the operator is a positive case

that circles the bug.

I don’t know if it matters,

How’s that look if operator is 0

When I am 0 and you the 1.

 

1 plus 2 equals 3. Great

Let’s start with a fresh calculator

Say 10 plus 1 equals 11.

Can you see what I’m saying?

 

I read them to her at lunch and she loved both of them. She would. 

Last night at rehearsal, a girl said that it’s weird how 2 of the few straight girls in this play are VERY sleezy together on stage. Mainly because of me, haha I try. And it IS strange. I remember last year I honestly thought I was bi because of this girl in my Japanese class who honestly looked like a guy. After that I fell for my friend who was also Asian and boyish like. After that I realized that I am straight after all…I think of guys more than I think of girls because, a guy sounds better than a girl. I don’t think I would EVER be able to be with a girl. It would be so weird. 

Now I have to get ready for the rest of my classes AND rehearsal right after that. Make sure you analyze my poems properly and send the responses to me. I will grade you later.

We are cold, we’re so cold, we are

It’s 3 am right now and I’m still up. I finished my Chemistry homework and I should have gone to bed, but I am so afraid I won’t wake up in time for class tomorrow, that I’ve decided I will pull an all-nighter. I am also very cold, which doesn’t help at all at staying awake. Right now I am using my hair-dryer to warm myself up. It’s not even the heater the problem here. There’s actually a decent amount of heat in the room. It’s just that the heat isn’t registering in my cold cold skin. Because I went to a fancy dinner tonight, I was wearing only a blouse and a blazer; blouse + blazer + cold^2=s.a.d.f.a.c.e. However, I liked the way I looked, haha. And then I had to go to rehearsal right after the dinner, and for those of you who don’t know shit about Chapin Auditorium, let me tell you it’s fucking cold in there. There are no flies or insects in there. Why? Because it’s a fucking ice age. AND THEN, I had to walk all the way to Pearsons to do my Japanese homework with a friend of mine. We couldn’t actually figure out what the exercises wanted from our lives, and we tried really hard to decipher the text, but there were SO MANY FUCKING KANJI that we haven’t learned yet, that we decided we will show our work tomorrow and put on a sad sad face so the sensei won’t smack us with her stick. Just kidding, she does that when she loves people. So she WILL smack us. wao. Nvm that reasoning. So moving on. After that, I had to walk all the way up to my beautiful dorm. In the cold. AND wearing high heels. I find I have no problem walking in high heels. It’s just that it’s too cold outside and I wasn’t dressed appropriately.

bah, I think I have whined enough about the weather, and since I am not British, I will stop. Let me talk a little about Cabaret.

Cabaret proved to be a most interesting show. I am talking as if the show were over, but I know that on Saturday when it actually finishes, I will be too drunk to write anything coherent…So I found that I can be very creepy, even though I feel really plain and blah boring. I found that the bonds we had in Macbeth were TRULY special. I don’t think I will ever have another experience like Macbeth. Cabaret is close enough to it, but not quite. Dunno why…But anyway, Cabaret…I love all the songs, but my favourite favourite one is I don’t care much, and because I know you are too lazy to go look it up online, I will post the link to it, cause I am THAT kind

That’s my favourite one. How come this is the one I like the most, and not Cabaret, or Don’t tell mama? Well, first of all, because of the melody, the tune. It’s so sad, and so            disturbing. And then you listen to the lyrics and sometimes, I really feel like that. I have a clear hierarchy in my world.

Stranger<Acquaintance=<Friend of a Friend<Could be a Friend<Friend<Very good Friend< BFFN<BFF<SM

I assure you SM does not stand for Sado-masochism, and even if you didn’t think of it, I made you think of it so HA. It stands for soul mate and so far there is only one soul mate in my life. I have some BFFNs and some Very good Friends, but MOST of the people I know are freaking acquaintances of mine. This means that I don’t really care much about them. I only care when I need them to do something for me. That’s all sweet and normal, until they start thinking that you are friends. No, we are NOT friends, thanks, but no thanks. To me, a friend is a very special person in whom you can confide your deepest secrets without worrying s/he will tell the WHOLE world right after that. We are not close enough for that? Then you are JUST an acquaintance of mine. Don’t expect too much from me, I will not deliver it. Don’t expect me to break awkward silences just because you feel like talking, but don’t dare to do it yourself. And even if you DO break the ice and start a conversation, don’t think I will continue it for a long time. I’m not interested. If I were, I would be doing all the talking by now.

People still don’t get that. In Europe, I feel, people are more cold, distant, and get it because they’ve been through a lot and they know that people are people and they WILL stab you in the back on the first occasion. In America, there are still traces of that “hope” of a new world, where you can be whatever you want to be, make your dreams come true and blah blah. Oh the American Dream. Europe doesn’t dream anymore (and frankly I don’t think it ever dreamt). Actually Europe is trying to stay awake. Like I am. We are done with dreams. They never come true the way you want them. They fuck everything up. They make you hallucinate in public and stuff like that. They play with your miiiiiiiiiiind.

Yes. They do. Just like computers. But I will blog later about my relationship with computers. I wish I had some coffee. Or a cigarette. The latter sounds grrrrrrrrreat actually. But I need to wait until Cabaret is over to smoke again. I have decided I will smoke reds again since it IS cold. Menthols are good in the summer.  But yeh, sleep won the battle. I hope my roomie will wake me up in time for class tomorrow.

I need 2 more alarm clocks. For serious.

Right now, my clothes stink of the chemicals in the darkroom (and I kind of love it). Today I set up the darkroom by myself! I am SURE it doesn’t sound too big of a deal to some people, but to me, it is. Whenever I am insecure about something, whenever I know I am not well-prepared for something, or just haven’t done it before, I doubt my judgement. So I think I looked 4 times at that little piece of paper just to make sure I don’t waste chemicals, by mixing it the wrong way, not to mention, waste my precious paper when trying to make prints! But I got it right, and I also made 4 new beautiful prints! 

I love the darkroom. So much that I want one in my future house. I especially love the darkroom where you load your roll of film on a reel and then put in in a tank to develop it. It’s pitch black, you’re alone, and you practically depend on your touch sensors(is that how you call them?). I love it. Listening to music while you’re loading the film on the reel=5 minutes of bliss to me. (erm, it shouldn’t take 5 minutes to load a roll of film, but I deliberately make it this long).

hm, recently, I’ve been doubting my English skills. There are so many times when I am literally trying to find the words to speak to my friends. I have it in my head, I know what I’m supposed to say, yet words fail to come out. I hate making grammar errors, and always, always, always think not twice, but thrice before I say something in English for fear of being laughed at by English native speakers. Because I know they do. Because they think that all international students SHOULD know English at a native level. Bah, I’m sure not all of them are like that, but I’ve had some not so pleasant experiences with people like that, and I cannot put my feelings into words. Ok, let me try. It felt awful. I wanted the earth to swallow me right away….I also feel that I am boring when I talk. It’s because of me trying to find the words in my head, that I end up repeating the same thing again, or using stupid words like “like”, “you know” etc just to buy some time to figure out what I’m supposed to say next. It’s frustrating because I’ve been learning English since kindergarden and I don’t think it’s normal for someone like me to act like this now. I can totally understand it when it happens in Japanese, since it’s a new language for me (well, not so new now…but in comparison to English, yeah, pretty much new). In class I am afraid of taking notes in Romanian, because this way my brain will switch to Romanian mode and I will practically lose the next few sentences…However, I realized I should start translating Japanese grammar to Romanian, since in English it has become sooooo confusing….Why am I having so many problems with English? It’s not normal…

Anyway, yesterday I went to a seminar at Amherst and while I was looking at the photographs presented, the idea for my final project for photography came to me and birds started to chirp, the heavens opened and  the gods gave me their blessing….It will be all about people and what they think it’s strange at other people. Soooo excited about it! I already have some shots in my head, well, the concept, and now I need to ask people in my class to model for me. I hope they say yes. I really do.

Holy shin! I think I need 2 more alarm clocks! It looks like 2 aren’t enough to wake me up. Last night I stayed up till 2 am to help my friend with her Japanese composition, and do mine, and do my Chemistry homework. And then, I didn’t wake up in time for my classes. And I worked soooooo hard for them. However, I managed to drop off my work at their offices. le sigh. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up, and I am seriously considering buying 2 more alarm clocks. If not 3.

If you made a mistake

If you make a mistake, just leave it alone and continue with the song. Go on to the next note, focus on what’s coming, not on what was already sung. 

This is a very important lesson I learnt today during my guitar lesson. And you know what? It’s so hard to keep on moving, and not care about your mistakes. Even when you read music and you don’t know the note and you want to stop and think about it because, you want it to be a perfect reading, but you can’t really do that because, the metronom is ticking and you need to move on to the next note. And then you fail and you need to start all over again.

This sounds so much like life. When you know you made a mistake and you want to right it, but you shouldn’t because the clock is ticking and you need to think of the next step you are going to take. You should stop living in the past.

I should stop living in the past.

From now on, I will try to continue with the song, skip the notes I can’t read on the spot, and maybe go back to them when I have time, or do the reading again. By then I will have known it by heart from other reading exercises. This is why great musicians are so chill. They appreciate the big picture better than the rest of us do. We tire ourselves with small things that shouldn’t be so important. It doesn’t matter if you made 50 errors in a concert if in the end it turns out to be a great concert. When you play with other people, you can’t stop to correct your error, and why should you? To draw attention to it? Just let it slide and enjoy the good music. Enjoy the life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s so ridiculous I can’t believe it. I can’t get this person out of my head. It’s driving me crazy.

All would be wonderful if he showed even one small sign that he knows I exist. The world is so cruel.

My mother would be proud of me

Yes, she would. If she knew I was smoking 6 weeks ago. 

For 5 weeks I haven’t smoked. At all. Zenzen. Not one cigarette. 

Until this past week. When I smoked a pack of vanilla cloves. And half of a pack of crappy Parliaments. 

Why would I do that considering I need my voice for the show in 2 weeks AND that I am taking running now? All I can say in my defense is that it was a terrible week. That’s all.

But I’m pretty sure she would be proud of me. 5 weeks with no cigarettes is something big to me, who used to smoke 2-3 packs a week. Opportunity knocked on my door with a pack of vanilla cloves freshly sent from sunny old California, and later on, with a pack of too short Parliament cigarettes. I could not say no to the Parliament cigarettes, because that’s just me. I can’t refuse someone. I miss my menthols. I can’t wait for the show to be over. 

On a happier note, I went to a party last night. It wasn’t a big party, but a cozy one. 

I’m back on track. And I better stay focused.